Fighting an Old Battle

My life is great. I have a wonderful, supportive husband. I have the stability of a job that gets me by and a cute little apartment facing the woods. We sit out on the balcony, watching deer and other wildlife come right into our backyard. It's a peaceful, relaxing place to call home. My husband and I are best friends. We pretty much do everything together and we don't resent it. We have a lot of good times.  I have cool co-workers and a lovely best friend that I have "girl" time with. Not the worst life you could have.

However, there is a dark side to my life that haunts me. I'm just going to come out and say it....I struggle with anxiety and depression. It started when I hit puberty. I had my first panic attack at 14. Before that, I was fearless. I was shy...but I was fearless. Always getting injured being a little daredevil and never really having a care in the world. It wasn't until I became a teenager, and life started falling apart that I developed anxiety and eventually depression. It runs in my family, so I guess it was inevitable. No adult in my life ever helped me address it. Apparently, they were too busy dealing with their own depression or whatever. I had to figure everything out on my own. I won't bore you with the details.

Life is pretty good now, but due to my constant worry and constant need to have perfect results that match my expectations, depression has been rearing it's ugly head. I feel like I have nothing to be miserable about, but there are a lot of things in my life that aren't working when I feel like they should. The main issue is my relationship with my Mother. We have always butted heads, but maintained a relationship with one another. I could write a book on the issues my mom and I have with one another, but underneath that there has been love and at times my mom has provided me with a lot of comfort. I mean...She's my MOM. I could never imagine not having her in my life. No matter how miserable she makes me at times.

I feel my self esteem is tied a lot into what my mom says and does. I respect her opinion of me and my mind has been trained to listen to her and take in what she says as the gospel. Because she is my mom and I've had to abide by her my whole life. I am 35 years old and I still don't know who I am because I've spent too much time "listening" to my mom's opinions of me. Don't get me wrong. I am a stubborn person and if I felt my mom was being harsh, out of line or down right cruel, I would tell her so. But, the damage had already been done and her words had already sunk into my soul like vampire's teeth. Being told at age 3 to go sit in a corner and die up until age 34 being told that she wouldn't participate in any more holidays with me until I have a kid. The pattern of verbal and emotional abuse has been what I've always known. How do you choose a different path if this dysfunction is all you've ever felt you've deserved?

My mom was always a master of saying horribly cruel things and then being "sorry" later. She would go out and buy me things or food in order to make up for it. She would turn on the charm and be the sweet loving mother that she could also be at times. It was just enough to make me want to stay around her. Each abuse session was countered with "mother of the year" emerging shortly thereafter. However, in these past couple of years, I have seen less and less of the sweet mom, and a lot more of the bitter, mean hateful mom that is painful to be around. I weep for a loving relationship with my mom. But, I had to make a decision that would point me in a direction where I could have a loving relationship with myself instead.

It is now June of 2013. I have not uttered a word to my mother since December of 2012. The final straw was her annual Christmas meltdown. Every year, my sister and I try to include her in our plans and every year my mom says she will be there. She gets all involved, offers to bring food and weaves herself into the fabric of the plans. We rely on her, we believe her and we trust her. But then, at the last minute, my mom decides she doesn't like a person who will be in attendance, or she feels she is expected to do too much or whatever other reason she can find to back out. We try to tell her she can just show up, she doesn't need to bring anything. We just want her there. But, nothing gets through to her and she bails on us. Her own children...at Christmas. When I tried to call her a few days before Christmas to come to my place and bake cookies with me and to do Pinterest projects, she told me she wasn't coming (after she said she would) and then proceeded to tell me she didn't think her family cared about her and then literally yelled in my ear and hung up on me when I told her I was worried about her.

 To make things worse, my mom has bred some resentment within our family. At Thanksgiving she informed that she will no longer come to any holidays with me or my sister. She wanted to be around the part of her family who has kids and until I have a kid she won't be around. I mean....WHAT??? Who says that to her own daughter? Well....My mom does. A day or so after the phone incident, she publicly posted on my facebook page that she would not be coming to Christmas at all. I have not spoken to her since. I had to make a very difficult decision and choose me over my mom. I realize that she makes me incredibly unhappy with her abuse. We don't get along and she seems to enjoy that fact. So, I had to walk away and figure out who I am without her negativity in my ear all the time.

I have been struggling with this decision lately. The truth is, I miss my mom. She gave birth to me, she raised me...of course I want a relationship with her. But, she just doesn't seem to value or even like me as a person. It's very hard to face the fact that the person who created you wants nothing to do with you as a grown adult. I feel like I let her down, that I am a disappointment in some way because I can't meet her crazy expectations. If she can't control me, I am nothing to her. That's how it feels and it is esteem crushing.

Anyway...the things that have happened in my life lead me to where I am now. I have a lot of insight and common sense. But, I also carry with me the baggage of being raised in an unstable environment and having really messed up coping abilities. I carry pain with me and I am now trying to learn how to let some of it go. I had to start somewhere.

You take the good...

I just realized that I have been married to my wonderful husband for over 6 months now and I never posted anything about our wedding! We got married October 6, 2012 in Niles, Michigan at the Old Rugged Cross Church (where the hymn 'The Old Rugged Cross" was sung for the first time). The ceremony was absolutely perfect! The reception was at the Bell Building (an old telephone company) and had a few little hiccups, but overall was such a fun and memorable reception. We honeymooned in Nashville, TN for a few days and stopped at Fort Knox and Bardstown, KY on the way home. We settled into married life with new furniture and tons of generous gifts from our loved ones. I am still working at the Salon (about to become manager) and Darren still works at Patterson. He is currently working on a painting for a teacher in Mishawaka, IN. Married life is pretty good! Here are a few pictures of our wedding and honeymoon...

Newtown: My feelings and thoughts

:::Heavy Sigh:::

In light of the tragedy that happened on Friday, December 14th, in Newtown, Connecticut, I have returned to my blog for the first time in a long while, because I can no longer be silent on the state of this world. I can no longer sit by and watch in anxiety and frustration as the human race begins to cave in on itself....mentally and spiritually.

I will try not to stand on my soap box for too long, because I know that other people will be taking a turn. We will hear the opinions of the people over and over. Some right on the money and some just bat shit crazy. But, We all have a right to say what our emotions bring forth. That's the beauty and the downfall of this world, We can express ourselves with no limit and unfortunately, some choose to do unspeakable acts while getting their point across.

First and foremost, I have to say that my heart is broken for those babies who lost their young, tender lives. Charlotte, Daniel, Olivia, Josephine, Ana, Dylan, Madeleine, Catherine, Chase, Jesse, James, Grace, Emilie, Jack, Noah, Caroline, Jessica, Avielle, Benjamin, Allison, Dawn, Rachel, Lauren, Mary, Nancy, Victoria, Anne... I am so sorry I have to know you in this way. I'm sure you were all wonderful people who gave your families alot of joy. Children, I wish I could have heard your names being called from an honor roll or during a graduation ceremony, instead of from this kind of list. But, I will try very hard to conduct myself in a way that I'm sure you would have if given the chance to grow up. To the adults in this list, thank you for trying to protect these kids. Thank you for teaching these children. You set an example that I hope more people will follow. I know I will try my best.

They were just at the beginning and it is so horribly unfair that they don't get to be our future. I've heard that these kids were remarkable and yet, They were remarkably like any other kid in any other town. It could be anyone's children. So, I feel a great sense of loss and a great responsibility to protect children now. I am not a mother (yet), but I know the motherly instinct is already alive in me. I have a deep compassion for the people who are hurting today. I wish I could do something to defend them and avenge the dead. I am at once angry, confused and hellbent on revenge for people I don't know. I have no aresenal of weapons, I think I've only shot a gun once in my life. I am not a murderous person. But, I do have one weapon that has served me well. I can write. So, that's what I'll do...

Emotions are running so high right now. People are screaming for gun control, gun control, gun control. I don't blame them as it is a very scary thing to see that children are being gunned down, people can't even go to the movies now for fear a madman will storm in with an aresenal. Guns seem to be available to any psycho with an ID, so of course...GUNS must be the problem, right? Not so fast.  Although, I do believe that there is no reason people need to own machine guns, military weapons or heavily artillery. I don't believe guns should be banned from our country or you should go through an FBI profiling and silkwood shower to get one. Plus, let's be realistic here, guns are not going anywhere. The use of them is weaved into the fabric of our history. To think that we will do away with them now is just silly.

Instead of going for the easy, emotional answer, I feel that more discussions need to be had. More solutions need to be formulated. We need to pull out our deck of factors and spread them out before us. What causes the perfect storm resulting in a mass shooting? It's not simply grabbing a gun and it going off in someone's hand multiple times. The gun isn't calling the shots, so to speak. There is a firestorm of rage and history there that pushes someone to the unthinkable. Throw in mental illness and We have ourselves an unpredictable tornado with no limits.

In my opinion, there are several key factors that lead to this behavior. I am not a psychiatrist or a doctor of any kind. So, I am not saying I am right or wrong. All I can say in the hopes of qualifying myself a little within this blog is that I have been an observer my whole life and have cared deeply, worried deeply, overanalyzed, obsessed and tried to find meaning/understanding in everything. I pay attention. I empathize and try to get inside the minds of others. Most of all, I feel that I came equipped with a pretty good grasp on common sense. Psychology fascinates me and I am forever asking the question "Why?" I know right from wrong and sadly, I have observed so many people getting it wrong for years now. But, who am I to determine what wrong is?? Well, I will tell you how I determine wrong...Every cause has an effect and if you keep doing something a certain way and it keeps yielding a negative effect...You're doing it WRONG!! Make sense?

Parenting is being done wrong by quite a few people. How dare I say that when I am not a parent and I don't know shit about parenting??? Well, I've been a child and can tell you what felt wrong or right to me when I was being parented. Kids need attention. Kids need to feel loved and safe. Kids need boundaries and positive reinforcement. Kids need positive role models and images in their world. Kids need stability. To be a parent, you truly must be SELFLESS not SELFISH. Put the phone away, turn off Family Guy or that violent video game, stop chasing after men or bringing a new girlfriend home every five minutes and be present in your kids life! It seems the world has gone soft and self absorbed. So many people forgot what it means to work hard at something....work hard at staying together, work hard at providing for your family and work hard at BEING PRESENT in a positive way.

Stop using technology to parent your kids. Hell, why do we need that much technology in the first place?? I am trying to practice what I preach. I got rid of my cell phone, I don't have a tablet or an I-whatever and I try to find a way to connect with my husband (and someday our kid) in some small way everyday. I want to enjoy the beauty of being truly present with the people I love, instead of being in the same room connected to millions of other strangers. Being connected to strangers yet disconnected to your core group of people is a huge problem now. People don't know how to talk to each other anymore. Social skills are on the decline and kids who struggle with it from birth are at an even bigger disadvantage! No one wants to talk to them, they are now not only being bullied at school or in life, but now more viciously behind the anonymity of a computer screen or phone. The isolation grows and the hatred mounts for some kids. We have to change this....TECHNOLOGY CONTROL!!!

Society never had to think about what they were watching on TV when TV first became popular. Morals, family values, God and hard work were the norm in most homes. We need to get back to basics. Everyone has something going on that seems to take them away from parenting, technology and entertainment have absolutely no boundaries and it has leaked into standard television viewing, even commericals are increasingly more violent and show many forms of disrespect. It's EVERYWHERE we look! You know the saying "You are what you eat", well I believe it applies to what you're exposed to on all levels. When We are pumeled constantly by images of negativity, violence, rude behavior, political unrest, war, unhealthy food and gluttonous consumption in some way...how can we not be affected by it??

Anyway, bottom line is, as I have rambled on quite a bit, that Guns are not the only issue here. We have to stop running from mental illness, because some people can be unpredictable and it scares us. We have to face it. We need more education, we need more tolerance and we need to find a way to teach respect, love and patience again. I am not a religious person, however I do believe in God and I do believe taking him out of everything has left nothing but negativity to fall back on. Sadly, people are beginning to use God as a tool for evil and to spread hate. If We don't put God back in his rightful place in this world, I do believe we will continue to slide downward. God is not a novelty. Prayer is not just for church-goers. There is something powerful there that has certainly worked in my life and when I least expected it. I will write more as time goes on, bt I just had to get my basic feelings about the present situation out in the blog. Feel free to express yourself..but please do it in a kind way! Thanks!

Up, Up and Away!!

So, a month has gone by and I can't believe how much has happened in such a short time! First things first...I got a new job!! I am so thankful and relieved that it happened so fast. The last time I was out of work it took me over two and a half months just to find a little part timer! But, I was fortunate enough to find something fast and I have a great feeling that I will stay for a long time (I hope). I am now the proud Salon Coordinator at a little salon near my hometown. It's got a cool, trendy vibe to it and the girls who work there are super delightful! I am part time for the summer, but I go to full time at the end of August. Money is tight right now, but at least I see a light at the end of this long tunnel I've been in.

So, now that I have that nailed down, Darren and I discussed when we should move in together. Obviously, we want to move BEFORE we get married, but that has been a challenge for a long time now. We looked at apartments a couple months ago and found the PERFECT one in a quiet, peaceful area with a balcony overlooking the woods. The only problem we had was that we were waiting for me to go full time at my last job (and we all know how that turned out), so we figured we had lost the apartment forever. We kept having glimmers of hope. Like, Darren sold one of his paintings to our alma mater and brought in a couple thousand bucks! But, it just wasn't enough to get us over the hump. However, I have to say...Mini cheer for Darren!! I am soo proud of that man and his abilities! Then, we heard from the apartment manager that our apartment was still available! That was just like salt in the wound. Here was our perfect apartment...just sitting there...and we couldn't go get it! I got the new job, but still won't be making enough to pull my weight until August. So, we were pretty much just living on a wing and a prayer that no one would snatch up our apartment before then.

Darren decided to talk to the apartment manager and see what we could do. If there were any offers they could help us out with. Since Darren has lived there before and is in great standing with them, they worked something out. If we take occupancy by July 15th, we only have to pay a deposit and get half off our next months rent!! It was like a miracle! So, here it is...less than 2 weeks away and Darren and I will FINALLY be living together...in OUR home. No parents, no restrictions, just US. It seems weird to say the parent thing since we are both in our 30's, but living with them is what we had to do to save money. Talk about feeling like a frickin' kid!! I never thought I would say this but...I cannot wait to feel like a grown up again!

I still won't have alot of money until the end of August, but Darren is amazing and is willing to take on most of the financial burden until then. Anyone who knows me knows how hard it is for me to let him do that. I don't EVER expect anyone to pay my way. I have always been the one who takes care of everything on my own. So, to have someone who will do that for me is something I am having a hard time getting comfortable with. He is an amazing blessing in my life and for that, He has my whole heart forever (I know, I know...sappy, but it was called for!).

So, yeah...it's been a crazy month. I know it will probably only get crazier from here as we are only 3 months away from our wedding. But, as long as we are together, I know we will find a way to laugh through it.

Cha Cha Cha Changes!!!

Just when life seems to be smoothing out and the path starts to get a little less bumpy, something always comes along to remind Me that life will NEVER be smooth and I can never get too comfortable with anything...ever.

So, last week I was hauled into my bosses office after He had been away for a week on a very important business trip in L.A. I was hoping that everything went well and I would FINALLY be able to be put on Full time status and start making some decent money so My fiance and I could move to a place before our wedding. When He called me in, I was thinking "Oh shit, here We go..this is either really fabulous news or really really bad news." Since good news seems to come far less often than bad, my money was on what actually happened. He sat me down and started to tell me that He was having to scale back hours and He was running out of ideas on how to keep the business going and that people just aren't buying production music like they used to. Then He said the words I was dreading..."I'm going to have to let you go." After that, I heard nothing except the thoughts and panic in my head. I have NEVER been laid off, fired, let go...whatever you want to call it. Of course, it had to happen at a time when I REALLY need to keep a job. I am getting married in 4 months and planning on moving in two. So, to have NO income during this time is like torture and panic all rolled into one.

In the past, when things like this would happen, I would go right to my very dark place. Depression, pity party, the works! But, for some reason, this time I got it together much more quickly and decided to take a different approach. I have so many blessings in my life right now. My relationship with Darren is amazing and beautiful. I wouldn't really care if we got married in a mud puddle as long as it happened and we belonged to each other forever. So, I am not overly worried about how our wedding will turn out. Plus, My family and His family have been so supportive and financially helpful, that we are actually ahead of the game in so many ways. I know our wedding will be unforgettable. Also, I have been able to live with my Father for the last couple months to get on my feet, so I am not really losing anything by not working a this moment.  I have been praying to God, putting in resume after resume and counting my blessings instead of losing my will to fight. I am gathering all the positive energy I can find and trying very hard to change my destiny.

In only a couple days time, I have already seen some results from this new attitude. I already have two job interviews lined up this week and two amazing rental possibilities for homes Darren and I can move into if and when I get some money coming in. Everything is poised and ready to fall into place if I can just get a new job as soon as possible. Its both nail-biting and exciting at the same time! I feel a bit helpless at the moment because I can't really control the outcome. All I can do is be the best me I can be in the interviews and hope for some salvation. We will see what happens next...

The Eternal Internal Match...

As I have been preparing for another major (perhaps the majoryist..I made that up) event in my life, I am finding that alot of my old "stuff" is coming up. I am trying to mentally deal with alot of the hurt that has been infilicted upon me in my past and try not to let new hurt affect me in that same old way.

It's no secret that I can be a very sensitive person. It took a lot of disregard, indifference and selfish actions to make me that way. People who I trusted, people who I let my guard down with. The closest people in my life (my mom, my sister, very dear friends.) In my teen years, there was alot of traumatizing events that kept pelting me over and over. When one would get smoothed out a little, here would come another one. I spent the majority of my younger life feeling beaten and defeated, shy and scared and with an over whelming sense that I was buried deep underneath everyone else's shit. No one saw me. I was the one who tried so hard to do everything the "right" way when everyone else was doing things "their" way in my family. I finished school, I went to college on a scholarship, I never did drugs or had sex, etc etc etc and none of it seemed to matter (or really get noticed) by my immediate family. I didn't have the support other teens might get. I didn't have any guidance on how to succeed in life. I had to figure it out on my own, all with a sense of being completely alone.

That's when I learned to put my guard up. I took on this attitude of "People are selfish and no one gives a crap about what I feel, so I will just do everything myself." I didn't need anyone on the outside, but on the inside I wanted to be a person other's considered. I wanted to be a person that popped into someone's head when I wasn't around and they called me up. I wanted to know I was cared for with no ulterior motive, just because I was a nice person who cared back. I have carried this "damage" with me into other relationships in life. I feel like I am two different people in friendships. I am the one who gravitates to friends who depend on me to make their lives enjoyable. People who want me to always come to them. I try to oblige, I follow along with their agenda because I am not brave enough to say No. I don't feel comfortable always being the one to say "Hey, I think this is a one-sided friendship. Why don't you ever come into my world? Why am I always coming into yours? Why am I never worth the effort it may take?" I feel like I am in alot of relationships with the people in my world where if I didn't do a song and dance to get noticed, I simply wouldn't. I hate having to wave my arms or get "hurt feelings" in order for people to take notice of their indifference toward me.

This has been my pattern in life. I find myself discontent with relationships alot. Partly because I am needy.  I can never assume people give a shit about me unless I can see it happening. I have no trust in the idea that maybe they do care, but they don't show it in a way that appeases me. I find myself comparing how I am treated to the way they treat others. If I have a friend, who leaps to the defense of another friend, who they feel is being treated badly, for example, I get my feelings hurt when I realize they have never lept to my defense like that. Then, I wonder why...then I feel like shit. It's a constant cycle of never feeling good enough and then I just go back into my "guarded" self where my attitude becomes "Fuck You." I feel like I am much to much inside my own head. I have a void that I have been trying to fill since I was a teenager and everything feels a bit like "Me, Me, Me." It makes me loathe myself at times. But, there is a part of me that feels like I am worthy of some consideration.

Anway, the point of this blog today is to express that things are changing for me. I am planning my wedding and I am having huge trust issues. I feel that this is a rare time for the people in my life to come together for ME and I am scared to death that someone will drop the ball. I don't ask people to do much for me and I think they've gotten used to that. I worry that, once again, unless I'm doing my ol' tap dance and waving my arms, no one will put forth the effort to make our wedding day easy and special...because We deserve it and because they can put their needs aside for a moment. Now, I admit, this could be all in my head and not true at all...but it's a fear based on past experience and the repeated disappointment I've endured by the very people who are in my life. I just feel like I am holding my hand over that stove again...waiting to see if I get burned.

The old patterns are getting very dusty. I am taking a stand for my own well-being. I am trying to give myself what I keep desperately trying to find in other people. Compassion, Consideration and A Break! I can't win everyone's approval. I can't cater to others and expect a big return. I am tired of making waves everytime I express my feelings or needs. I just need to be me and those who really want to know me, be in my life and have a healthy relationship with me, will be there. I am tired of being a people pleaser. I am tired of feeling like I have to appease to keep people in my life. I am trying very hard to hang up my tap shoes and just be me. I'm sure in the process, I will see people drift out of my life. But, this time...I am willing to let them go.

Stressed... but getting happier by the moment!

So, It's been a few months since I wrote on here. Sorry!! Things have been crazy. My life is on a wobbly track right now, but I believe it's the RIGHT track finally. First, I got a NEW JOB!! It's not much, only part time for now and no benefits. BUT...I am back in Music!! This alone makes me smile from ear to ear. I sell music and licensing to be used in Television and Film. Not glamorous by any means, but it's cool to talk to executives at NBC, MTV, Disney, Paramount, etc etc etc. I get to help bring music to artistic projects and that is a union I enjoy being a part of!! I am very thankful for my job. I only hope and pray it turns into a full time gig soon!

The other big distraction in my life right now is THE WEDDING. Ugh! I am soo excited and happy to be getting married to the most wonderful man on the planet (sorry ladies, I'm a little biased), but planning a wedding on almost NO budget is a pain in the ass! Because of my financial hardship right now, I made a tough decision to move in with my pop for a few months to save money for my up-coming nuptials. I leave my house in March. I'm not thrilled about it, but I will be thrilled to have more money! We have the church and the reception hall booked, I have my rings and am about to get Darren's this month, We think we found our photographer and the flowers are done courtesy of ME. I did a pretty good job if I do say so myself! This is going to be a total DIY wedding. So, we are saving money there. But, We have considered just eloping many times. I hope we get to have our beautiful day..but I just want a beautiful marriage. I have no worries in that department! :)

Darren and I will be moving in together in August, but right now, we are being smart and saving as much money as we can to have a great start together. It's tough and alot of sacrifice, but I know it will be so worth it in the end. Not to get too mushy, but I am so excited to start my life with him! I will breathe a huge sigh of relief when Darren and I can smoosh into our big, comfy bed together and begin forever! I'm sure the cats will try to climb in their with us, but that will be OK. :)