So, I was watching Katie Couric today and the topic was something I am very familiar with. It was about couples who have chosen to remain childless. This has been a subject my husband and I have discussed many times, but still haven't come to a definite and final decision on the matter. As I was watching the couples talk about why they chose not to expand their little families, I found myself nodding in agreement and yet feeling overwhelmed with emotion that I was agreeing. It's such a confusing position to be in that sometimes feels like a roller coaster.
Darren and I are good people, we have a solid and loving relationship and have a lot of love to go around. So, being a parent make so much sense in my heart and in my daydreams. I envision us snuggled up on the couch with our newborn, gazing lovingly at our new addition and talking about his or her future. I envision us sharing the responsibility of late night diaper changes and feedings. I get excited when I think of every last exhausted, crazed, life changing moment that will surely come with a child. And it doesn't scare me. I know it will be hard work, I know it won't always be cute and sweet. I feel ready to deal with whatever comes when it involves my responsibility as a parent. and then I think "Yes! I want to be a mom. Let's do this!!"
This past summer, Darren and I had a moment where we just let happen what happens when you decide to make a baby. There was no hesitation, no worry, we just went for it. I felt different right away and in the weeks that followed was convinced that I was pregnant. My body didn't help matters as it was not performing as it always had. My period was 10 days late, I took multiple pregnancy tests (all negative), I trolled pregnancy sites looking for something to tell me that I was pregnant and finally I called my Gyne in a panic wanting to know if I should come in for a blood test. In that time, I started to really look at the reality of our life and how hard it would be to raise a kid. Then...the "what If's" started. What if we can't find anyone willing to help us out with watching our kid? My mother is unreliable, my dad just isn't patient or nurturing enough, my in-laws are wonderful, but they can't be the only ones responsible for helping us care for our kid. We can't be stay at home parents. We have to work. What if regular daycare is way too expensive (as I have heard many times that it is) and what if the cheaper daycare is not fit for my kid? What If one of us loses our job? How can we afford another person in our household? What if the baby is born sick? How can we afford medical bills? Is my lovely daydream of being a parent going to go up in smoke all because of MONEY?? How sad is that? We can't do this. The money and support just isn't there. What are we going to do now? AHHHHH! Then...my period came.
I took having a baby off the table after that. I was too freaked out to consider it until We could come up with a better plan and more money. I didn't want to start parenthood feeling completely stressed out and unprepared financially. So, we decided to give it a little more time, planning and consideration. That would seem like a fantastic idea if I wasn't about to turn 36 and my biological clock is tick-tocking away in my head. I feel like I am like Lola in the movie "Run Lola Run" I am racing to save my womb before it's too late. I am not the healthiest of people anyway and my Gyne has already told me that I need to get going with the baby-making because it could be a very hard and long road as it is.
I can't help but feel a little doomed. Darren and I married late in the game and I just am beginning to feel like it might be too late for us to have a child. The ducks are not merging into neat little rows for us very fast. So, here I sit...hoping for a miracle and trying to count the blessings I already have. Thank God that Darren and I are so connected. As long as I have him, I feel pretty happy. I keep praying for a sign to which way we should go. I just hope there will come an answer soon so I don't keep daydreaming about a baby that will never be here.