Thursday, February 25, 2010
"It's Easy to be Brave from a Distance" - Aesop Quote
The definition of Bravery, according to dictionary.com, is a brave spirit or conduct; courage; valor; showiness; splendor; magnificence.
That definition is everything I want to be and everything I am not. Pretty much as long as I can remember, I have considered myself to be shy, emotionally overwhelmed and more of the quiet observer in the room rather than the life of the party. I have always been the girl with the sweaty handshake and the nervous fidget when approaching someone or something new and unknown. It's just ALWAYS been that way and I HATE IT! I have missed out on so many opportunities, relationships and meaningful moments because I am too much of a perfectionist to just get over myself. I make things way too much about me and my fear (aka my constant companion) and I neglect so much about life that's fun, exciting and dare I say, a little bit scary. I choose comfort over bravery. Which isn't a stretch since EVERYTHING seems to make me uncomfortable. It's absolutely retarded and yet I stay paralyzed by my own inner, quivering voice. I take pills to make me a functional human being and I have spent the last 32 years being a slave to my own self-doubt. Sorry to those who have been affected by my neurosis!
That being said, I have taken to my first love, my saving grace...the written word to try to make sense of my nonsense. I turned 32 on February 23, 2010, I am going through a breakup with my first real boyfriend (yes, it took 28 years to find him) and I am pretty much left with no direction in my life at this point. So, I decided to use this time as a "clean slate" as you might say. I am going to take the next year of my life to find the bravery that sits dormant in my soul. I figure with all the raw pain and emotion that I've been hit with in the last few months, I can't feel any worse...so why not try to feel better than I ever have? This is my journey, I hope you'll come with me. But, be patient with me...this ain't gonna be pretty!! :)