The definition of Bravery, according to dictionary.com, is a brave spirit or conduct; courage; valor; showiness; splendor; magnificence.
That definition is everything I want to be and everything I am not. Pretty much as long as I can remember, I have considered myself to be shy, emotionally overwhelmed and more of the quiet observer in the room rather than the life of the party. I have always been the girl with the sweaty handshake and the nervous fidget when approaching someone or something new and unknown. It's just ALWAYS been that way and I HATE IT! I have missed out on so many opportunities, relationships and meaningful moments because I am too much of a perfectionist to just get over myself. I make things way too much about me and my fear (aka my constant companion) and I neglect so much about life that's fun, exciting and dare I say, a little bit scary. I choose comfort over bravery. Which isn't a stretch since EVERYTHING seems to make me uncomfortable. It's absolutely retarded and yet I stay paralyzed by my own inner, quivering voice. I take pills to make me a functional human being and I have spent the last 32 years being a slave to my own self-doubt. Sorry to those who have been affected by my neurosis!
That being said, I have taken to my first love, my saving grace...the written word to try to make sense of my nonsense. I turned 32 on February 23, 2010, I am going through a breakup with my first real boyfriend (yes, it took 28 years to find him) and I am pretty much left with no direction in my life at this point. So, I decided to use this time as a "clean slate" as you might say. I am going to take the next year of my life to find the bravery that sits dormant in my soul. I figure with all the raw pain and emotion that I've been hit with in the last few months, I can't feel any worse...so why not try to feel better than I ever have? This is my journey, I hope you'll come with me. But, be patient with me...this ain't gonna be pretty!! :)
Right on!
ReplyDeleteI love it! And I am here...BE BRAVE! BE BOLD!
ReplyDeleteKate I think you and I have a lot in common. I too tend to go with things that are more in my comfort zone rather than take a risk. I also am way to hard on myself and over think EVERYTHING. I try too hard to make everything in my life PERFECT. Over the past few years I have come to discover that their isn't anything or anyone that is PERFECT! This isn't always easy I am now more outgoing than I have ever been but I still have to give myself a little pep talk from time to time and I Pray about every decision I am making!! I am learning to love who I am and all the Blessings in my life. I have recently decided to go back to Church and I have accepted the Lord into my heart fully! I just came to a point in my life where I had EVERYTHING in my life I always hoped for and I still was missing something. I am in a Woman's Bible study and have cut ties with a lot of my old ways. It isn't always easy and believe me I have days where I just break down into tears. But I am learning to let myself feel what I'm feeling. I am learning that God made me who I am and that He loves me just the way I am. I think your a wonderful woman not just because you are my cousin:) Mostly because you have the courage and strength to go on and turn your life around. Change isn't always easy but at least your willing to do it and not roll over and accept things the way they are. I love you and I will Pray for you sweet Katy:)I know you will get there too. Love ya! Trisha
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