Saturday, April 3, 2010
Either my PMS has come to a head today or I am slipping back into that old familiar depression I was having a few weeks back. I haven't felt too good today emotionally. I am stressed out and tired of feeling shit on when I really did nothing to deserve it (except for maybe stand up for myself when the truth all came out). I put so much of myself into another person, loved him with everything I had and gave to him as much as I could, and he turned around and deceived me over and over again. Why?? I have no idea and I guess I never will know because he will never give me the courtesy of an answer. It's totally unfair and something I will never be able to comprehend.
Sometimes, I have moments still, even after everything, where I think about the connection we had. I can still somewhat smile at those thoughts for a moment. But, then the reality of what has happened snaps me back and nothing is left except anger and sadness. I believe in the power of forgiveness, but when someone isn't sorry and keeps doing things to "punish" you because he feels you are a shitty human being, how can you forgive and move on from the pain? I keep hoping there will be a day, some time in the distant future, where I can talk to him again and come to some resolution from all of this. But, I doubt it will ever happen. It seems as though our relationship and our love never meant a damn thing to him. It meant the world to me, so I have to figure out how I can recover on my own from it.
Anyway, I am just having a pity party tonight. It sucks, because I was feeling so good in these last couple weeks. Now I am back to confused, stressed and sad. It's a vicious cycle that never seems to have an end. All my comforts are disappearing again. I found out I am allergic to my cats, so I can't cuddle them like I did before, I need to work on my weight, so I can't pig out on comfort food. I feel like I want to be alone, yet when I'm alone I want someone here with me. It's just crazy! I need to find a comfortable spot in life and just stay there until I feel better. No one can make me happy, I have to figure it out on my own. Lord, please help me find a way.