Thursday, June 10, 2010

"Every time you close a door and nothing opens in it's place...You've wasted."

Well, I put down the deposit for my new place tonight. I took pictures and talked to my new landlords. They are such cool people. I really think I will enjoy renting from them. They were telling me all about the neighborhood and the people who live across the street. It sounds like they are all nice and helpful. The neighborhood is so quiet and peaceful. I offered to mow the lawn for my landlords because they were so nice about reducing the rent, etc. It will be nice to have an actual yard again! I get a garage and an area to put a patio table and chairs. So, lounging in the backyard will be awesome this summer. One added bonus is that there is a gorgeous old historic house across the street and a younger, single guy lives there and is fixing it up...HELLO NEIGHBOR!! :)  I asked the landlady if he's cute and she said yes. I doubt it will turn into anything, but it's a great distraction just the same.

I am just so thankful for this fresh start. I can't say it enough. My family and friends have been so supportive about it and everyone loves my new place as much as I do. People at work have been so generous in giving me a new couch and selling me a dining room table set for cheap. I finally feel like I have a home that is coming together the way I always wanted it. I feel like I have a nice support system that wants to see me do well after watching me in so much pain and agony for the past few months. No more running to bathroom at work to cry and no more quiet sadness when all I could do was think about what I no longer had. It's a new day and a new chance to be happy. I am trying very hard to embrace it and let go of the past. I've deleted temptation out of my phone and computer, so that I can try harder to be free. All I can do is keep walking and not look hard as it has been.

I realize that you can't always get a definite answer in life. That you can keep asking and torturing yourself over and over and eventually discover that you will NEVER be satisfied. You wear yourself out trying to get closure and forgiveness and love from someone who never wanted to give it to you for their own fucked up reasons. I can't do shit about that and I am tired of trying. Life doesn't have to be that dramatic. I would much rather let go and forgive than hang onto pain and anger forever. I like having friends in my life, I don't need to make more enemies. Life is beautiful if you mend things that cause you grief. I am trying to look at life that way and taking on a new approach in the hope of becoming a better person.

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