Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Is it too late to be something else?

In the last 24 hours, this is the closest I've come to having a panic attack in a very long time. There is no huge crisis going on or crazy life test coming up (I hope), but I have been so fearful and anxious that I can't come down off the ceiling.

I am trying hard to pinpoint what is going on with me. I've come to a couple different conclusions. One, is that I am attempting to get back in touch with my mom after 9 months of not speaking to one another. Another is that I had another argument with my husband last night and it's just getting to a point where I can't stand the frustration that comes with that. It's not that we argue constantly. We actually get along very well. So, when we DO have a fight, it really just sucks. I felt like I was trying to stand up for myself and he gets quiet and upset. I am not winning any popularity contests by speaking up, but damn it...why can't I have feelings when He's being insensitive? I slept on the couch and he left this morning without a word. I just want it to end already and for us to be back in the love bubble...but I guess I'm not worthy of a little humility and an apology. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks I deserve one. That's a pretty lonely feeling.

As far as my mom goes. I am not quite sure if I am ready or not to be on speaking terms with her. I wish I felt more in control of the situation. I want a certain type of relationship with her. One that is kind and friendly. Where we don't take each other so seriously and can just let things go without it ending up in a fight. However, I'm pretty sure that I will never have that with her and again...that sucks. The thought of reconnecting is making me anxious. I can't deal with the same bullshit over and over again. I have no desire to return to pain like that.

Bottom line is that I am an emotional wreck. I have barely any coping skills, I'm depressed and I have no trust. People have pretty much ruined me. But, I do still have hope and that's what is keeping me searching for something better....that and my husband. We might be fighting right this moment, but He is truly a life saver. I don't know what I would do without him. I want to be a better person for not just myself, but for him as well. I need to learn a whole new set of skills to help me become happy and I have no idea where to start. How do you build trust when it seems that nearly every time I have given it away, it gets destroyed? I can pretty much count on one finger the people I fully trust 100% in my life. That's just crazy!! How do I fix it?

I find myself becoming an angry, fearful person more and more. I desire peace and kindness and understanding from the world and what is mostly thrown back at me is selfishness, obliviousness or THEIR problems. I often think of that saying from Ghandi..."Be the change you want to see in the world" and I want so much to be that. I want to fight negativity with this amazing force of positive white light that envelopes everyone I see. But, I lack that super power. I am part of the problem and it feels like waging war with Goliath to be a part of the solution these days. I am defeated, but still clutching my sword of hope in my hand as I lay on the ground.

Sorry for that last dramatic paragraph...but it's how I feel. I don't ever just feel something a little bit. It rages inside me and I explode when it builds to much. I kind of did that last night to my husband. But, I have o idea how to calm down and take a breath. I will continue to seek answers until I can reach a point in my life where everything feels OK. Whatever it takes!

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