So, my last post was pretty miserable. But, I am happy to report that my husband and I are back in our love groove (the fight blew over that same day) and life is getting better day by day. I don't know what is coming over me, but lately I have risen up out of my funky depression crap and been feeling so much more positive about life in general. I am finally starting to take charge again and build my confidence.
The thing with my mom went as expected and we are now back to our corners, not speaking to one another once again. I tried to email her and it started out fine. But, as soon as I tried to let her in on what I felt was broken about our relationship, so we could talk about it and move passed it, she made everything about her and in her own lovely words told me I was crazy and needed to seek help. She completely dismissed my feelings (again) and then took her leave of me (again). I didn't attack, I didn't blame. I just tried to talk to her, woman to woman as adults about why I feel our interactions seem to go so horribly wrong and that I had a huge desire to try to fix those things so we could be friends and respect one another. It was a no-go because she refused to hear me. She acts as if I am an ungrateful, selfish, daughter who does not appreciate her love and that no matter what I am to blame for our relationship because I have crazy made-up ideas about her behavior toward me. Yet, I still talk to all the family members who ever were in our lives as I grew up and she talks to only a small, select few who still tolerate her. The rest of us have been banished to "not good enough" land. But the truth is, I kind of like it there. I know I am good enough for those who have no agenda. So, I will continue to hang out where I am wanted.
As the holidays are approaching, I am trying very hard not to get depressed about the mom situation. I am starting to learn to be away from her and find happiness, however, I still have a ways to go. The holidays will always be the hardest for me. Mostly because the fondest memories I have of my mother were always around this time of year. She never ever seemed mad or hateful at the holidays when we were kids. She always made things special and would throw wonderful parties with our family (before she decided to hate them all). Our home was always full of warmth, love and laughter and it was always my mom who made it that way. I know I owe a huge part of my happiness as a child to her and how much she tried to make our home a magical place to be at the holidays. It's THAT mom that I grieve for. She died a while ago and I have no idea how to help or even be in the same room with the mom I am left with now. She no longer wants to do anything with us. Everything is a struggle and she takes the joy out of every holiday with her constant negativity and weird accusations. It brings me to tears when I think to long about it. I miss my loving, kind mother. She will never be in my life again and I know it. But, I am trying very very hard not to blame myself for it. I have always tried my best with her, but in the end, it has never been enough. I have never been enough for her.
As sad as it is, it's my reality, so I am taking what could be a negative, sad situation and I am trying to go a different direction. This year, I am determined to focus on the joys of my life, the warmth the holidays have to offer and memories that made me so happy as a kid. I am also trying to give to those in need and keep myself busy with family and friends who are in my life instead of focusing on who isn't. Just yesterday, I got a webcam and skyped for the first time with my cousin in Washington (who I spent so many wonderful Christmases with as a kid) and my sister (and brother-in-law) in Wisconsin. It was so much fun to see their faces as we talked and it felt like they were with me. We are planning on skyping throughout the holidays since we won't be able to get together this year.
I've also been resorting to watching old Christmas commercials and specials from the 80's (when I was a kid) to get into the spirit. Believe it or not...it's actually working wonders! It takes me back to such a happy, comforting time in my life and I can almost feel my mom's love again. It makes me remember all the love and fun my family provided me with growing up. Even if we can't all be together now, I am reminded of what once was and maybe will be again someday.
Anyway, I am actually looking forward to Christmas this year. I can't let anyone take away my spirit. I pray often and ask God for guidance. Even though sometimes I don't understand his plan for me, I feel so much better when the path gets a little easier to walk down. I may not like the fact that my mom and I don't talk or that I've lost touch with people who once meant the world to me, but I am still blessed with love from those who are still here.
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