Friday, March 5, 2010

"Anyone can give up, that's the easiest thing in the world to do. I want a challenge"

My mom's words have echoed in my ears all week..."Kathryn, You are stubborn as hell! When you want something or want to be heard, you won't give up, even when you should." She is 100% right. I am the most stubborn person I know! Is it because I get too passionate about the wrong things? Is it because I can't let go of someone or something even when it's a lost cause? Is it my desire to push what I feel is common sense onto others so maybe they will be more like-minded? Honestly, I think it's a little of all the above.

I have always had such a sense of urgency when it comes to being understood. I want so badly for people to see my side of things, to empathize and "get me." Sometimes, I end up just pushing them away. I have such high expectations for things, even when there is every red flag being thrown in my face that things will not go the way I want them to. I wish I could just let go of the reigns a little bit and just ride life until the wheels fall off. I don't want to have to always "plan" everything out.

I guess I just have a deep desire for people to accept me, flaws and all. I have been so silent for so many years, doubting myself and preventing myself from being happy. As an adult, I want to show myself to the world and have it be OK with everybody. I am more comfortable with criticism than I am with positive attention, I am attracted to "lost souls" and "takers" because I don't know what it's like to be "Given to" insted of 'taken from." Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends, who give of themselves all the time. If anyone can help me understand what it's like to have a support would be them! I just hope I can start to find that in other relationships and embrace it! right now, I struggle with that. I latch on to people who have nothing to give and put an expectation on them that they will be some how changed if I just love them enough, give enough, back down enough. It has never worked for me so far...when will I ever learn? I'm all out of comfort and all out of sorrys.

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