Monday, March 1, 2010

Feel the Fear...Do it Anyway?

Today, I cried again. I am not feeling so brave and I know there is a lot I need to do for myself that will take courage. I need to let the past go and move forward to a brighter, and hopefully better, future. I have to find a new place to live in a few months. I have lived alone before, but it's so different now. I am leaving a home that my ex and I shared. It was OUR home and, to me, it meant we were in this life together. It was a comfort to come home to someone everyday, to make plans with him regarding the future. I felt like I had left the single life behind and I was on to getting married and having a family. It wasn't the four walls that made me feel safe, it was feeling like I had found a home in the person I was with.

Just like that, it all ended and I still live in OUR home by myself. For a while there, everywhere I looked was like a movie being played out. I could see him cuddling me from behind as I cooked dinner when I stood in the kitchen. I could see his kids' (who I became close with) running down the stairs and playing in the living room, when I sat on the couch. It was absolute torture. You would think that I couldn't wait to leave! But, now that time has passed and I am now starting to face the fact that I HAVE to leave in a few months, I am just overwhelmed with sadness and the realization that I no longer have a home with someone. I am on my own and I have to start over. I just feel hopeless and totally without bravery today.

Recently, my ex and I have, sort of, fallen back into an old pattern. Because of that, things haven't felt quite as painful while we have been friendly and seeing more of each other. But, as I start to look for my place in this world, literally and figuratively, I am now realizing that I have to make a decision I don't want to make. I wish he would make it for me or start doing the work it will take for us to be together again, but I don't hold out much hope that he will. Actions speak so much louder than words, and it's taking me a long time to realize that people who love you don't leave. In whatever form the relationship needs to take, the bottom line is that those who love you will figure out a way to remain in your life on a regular basis. I know I have to decide what's best for me. I can't hang on to "perhaps" or "someday." It's not fair and it's not what I deserve. I know that...but I have no idea how I am supposed to feel anymore. I just want clarity and of course, BRAVERY!

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