Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Reflecting on the past and changing my mind

Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours. -Clementine (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind)

This quote is something I've basically been told and/or wanted to say to someone at one time or another. Is this what we do to each other as human beings? Are we constantly assigning each other our own peace of mind? We look for others to make us happy, make us whole, to reassure us. Lord knows I have pretty much begged people to talk me out of my insecurities and doubts. I guess it all just boils down to trusting ourselves. If you can't make yourself feel OK, no one else will have a clue how to do it for you. I know this, but for some reason, find myself relapsing into weakness and self-doubt over and over again.

I was my own best friend at one time in my life and it felt like fresh air. I have become my own worst enemy over circumstances that are beyond my control. I am really trying to make amends with myself and be happy just being me. I want to make my life look like something I really want it to be. I realize that the risks I take are mine alone. If I chose to take a chance on someone or something, I can't expect anyone to hold my hand through it. I know what kindness looks like, I know who I can trust and who I can't. I have a good intuition that I've been ignoring for way too long now. Why? I have certain ideas about that, but it's something that is still too hard to discuss in a blog. I'll get there eventually.

Today, I am still struggling with regret and sadness. I am still afraid to take a leap into the unknown. But, at least I can say that everyday I am working on it. I am trying to be the person I know to be great and in control of my own happiness. I want to share with people all of me, eventually I will get to the point where I can do that and be OK with walking away if I get rejected. You can't please everybody, especially those who are miserable themselves.

The day is beautiful today...I want to breathe it all in with the sunshine on my face! It's a small start to breaking out of my funk...but's it's a start just the same!


  1. Eternal Sunshine is one of my favorite movies of all time and I can relate to that quote as well. I guess that is why it seems as though we sometimes share a brain. :-) I have all the faith in the world that you will come out of this dark time stronger and more in control. Love you!

  2. Thanks, my lovely friend! Love you too!