Friday, April 16, 2010

"I don't now nothing except change will come" - Patty Griffin

I can't believe it's the middle of April already!! I have to move in about 2 and a half months and I am still not sure where I'm going. I am being drawn to my hometown again, so I am trying to find a place there. I keep going back and forth about it. On one hand, living in my hometown would be like starting over and I would be close to my family. On the other hand, I almost feel like it would be taking a step back. When I was younger, I always wanted to get the hell out of my hometown. I felt like there was nothing there and that the whole world was waiting for me. But, I only got as far as the next town. So, I guess I never really "got out." I just moved over.

I just want to find a place where I can settle for awhile. I want to feel comfortable with my surroundings and not have to deal with shady people. I've had enough of that in the last few years. My home should be my sanctuary and I am ready to make it so. I am determined in the next couple months to clear away a lot of the clutter in my life. No more crap I don't need!! I think that's a metaphor for my life as well.

I am feeling mentally better by the day. I have my moments where I still get sad, disappointed, confused and angry about my recent past. But, for the most part, I am looking toward the future with hopeful eyes. I know that only I have the power to make my life better. No one can do it for me. Sure, little things help, like when someone shows me that they genuinely care about me. That helps me in the self esteem department. I don't know how I would have gotten through these last few months without my friends and family. And, the new guy in my life was totally unexpected, but is turning out to be such a wonderful thing. I feel bad that we reunited when we did because I was basically a train wreck, but he is allowing me to heal without the fear of losing him, so it is making things so much easier. I really do feel like good things come to those who wait.I know it's cliche, but I think it fits for this situation.

Anyway, I am trying my best to accept that change is inevitable. I can't stop it, so I might as well embrace it. Instead of being scared to get close to someone for fear that they might eventually leave me, I want to enjoy them while they're here. They will be in my life for as long as they want to be, those who were meant to stay...will.

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