Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Where Do I Go From Here?

Well, the apartment hunt continues!! Darren and I drove around last night to scout some places. As we drove around our hometown, I started getting that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach again. Do I really want to move back there? I've been away 12 years and there was a reason why I left. Some people love living in their hometown and it's not that I hate my hometown, by any means, I just don't know if I can LIVE there again.

It may not even be the town itself that I am having such a hard time with. It may be change in general. I thought my life was set with the man I loved, a house where there was plenty of room for everyone and a hopeful future on the horizon. Then, just like that it was gone. I am still trying to pick up the pieces from it and start over. Nothing feels secure for me right now. Not my job, my living situation or even my new relationship. It's been really getting to me lately. I want to feel OK. I want to give everything to the people in my life and not hold back because of past wounds. But, I can't speed up time and time is what I need to heal.

There is no magic cure for the way I keep feeling. I'm pretty much a confused, sad mess one day, then happy and hopeful the next. I just keep working on me and trying to find out who I can be on the other side of all this. I keep waiting for that other side to come. I am already so happy and thankful for the amazing people in my life. They keep me going and help me to forget those who have caused me pain. But, I am still trying to settle things in my head. It's in the quiet moments that I am my own worst enemy.


  1. It's not your fault-I personally think you are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. You were basically a hostage in your relationship for three years. This kind of fits: "The hostage endures isolation from other people and has only the captor’s perspective available". You will be free someday, you are physically and you will be mentally. Just let it go. We ALL love you!!!!!!!!

  2. Yeah, I allowed myself to be isolated because I thought love=devotion and I believed in 'standing by your man.' I didn't want to accept that my man never stood by me. I continue to hold myself hostage in my own mind. But, I know I am loved. I'm the last one to that party I guess. :)