Sunday, May 2, 2010

Decluttering, Reevaluating...Letting go??

Today, I spent much of my time cleaning out my bedroom closet and reflecting on who I've become in the last few years. I'm feeling pretty disappointed and sad that I seem to make no progress in feeling better about certain things that have happened in old relationships.

As I went through old pictures, poems, songs written and love lost, I couldn't help but be flooded with memories, good and bad, that represented a life I shared with someone who no longer wishes to be a part of it. Call me sentimental, but it made me really sad. I feel like I should be able to let it go, move on, be happy. I am trying everyday to forgive. FORGIVE him, forgive myself and make this a lesson learned. I know I need to keep moving through the pain. I know I need to stop looking at old tokens of our love for one another and just let it be the past.

My ex and I spent all week emailing each other back and forth. I was shocked that He even bothered to write me back at all. So, it shocked me even more when he actually apologized for all his wrong doings in the last three years. I was waiting for that apology, hoping He would eventually be rational and less angry. I feel like a little more of me has moved on since he apologized, and that maybe we could go through life a little less hateful to each other. But, then I pushed back a little too hard again and it all seemed to fall apart. I don't know why I am so angry at him for taking advantage of my overwhelming love. I loved him so much more than he loved me and instead of walking away before I fell too hard, he stayed and let me love him, pay for things, make him comfortable. I wish we could have preserved things as they were in the beginning. I wish I didn't allow my intense love to dissolve into bitterness and resentment when he started to pull away. I wish he could have found the love I wanted him to have for me. I wish I could stop wishing.

I have a lot of regret and I feel like I have learned a lot of lessons. I guess I know I can do better and sometimes I wish I could have a do-over with him. But, it takes two to want that. It's quite obvious that he doesn't. I'm not even really sure if  I do. The fairytale sounds nice...Two people fuck up the first time, but then realize how to make it better and end up living happily ever after. That kind of shit never happens for me. I am more comfortable with unrequited love than the real thing.

Anyway, I am packing up the boxes and throwing away the memories. Because I HAVE to. Not cause I want to or because I am still so pissed off that I can't deal with them. It just makes me too sad to look at them and I need to move on. Like I've always said..those who are meant to be in my life will be here. I welcome them with open arms. Nothing is ever FINAL unless you want it to be. I'm not perfect and I have a big mouth, but I also have a big heart to match. Love doesn't fade from it very easily.

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