Monday, May 31, 2010

"Do you ever feel like you can't find solace in anything? That no matter where you turn, you're just lost?"

Memorial Day Weekend was so relaxing!! It felt more like August rather than May!! I actually bought a friggin' bathing suit for the first time in my adult life! In the past, I usually tended to cover up in public during summer, but I am rapidly taking a "fuck that!" attitude and showing off my assets a little more. I am ready to have fun and care  a lot less about what people think of me. When I let loose a little bit this weekend, I ended up having a great time. Swimming, soaking in the sun, taking long walks and of course, cruising in the corvette convertible!! Gotta love them Cranberry Limeades and pretending we were at the lake. I hope the rest of the summer goes like this and gets even better. I actually felt like I was 10 years younger and I liked it!!

I tried very hard to distract myself this weekend, because there were some low points as well. I think things will get better when I finally move out of this townhouse. I am freaking out a little because I still don't have a new place lined up and I leave in less than a month! I hope to nail something down this week. I am going to look at a place tomorrow after work. So, let's hope it's a keeper! I need to get out of here if I am ever going to stop feeling so sad and missing my Ex.

 I thought I was doing OK with moving on with my life, but I had a set back again this weekend. On Saturday morning, I woke up and opened the window to let the morning sun in. I was laying in bed, thinking and enjoying the morning, when all of a sudden, I could almost feel the presence of my Ex. I could remember what it was like to have him home with me, sleeping next to me, waking up with me, talking, planning our day, etc. I  just felt this rush of overwhelming nostalgia followed by overwhelming sadness. I began to cry..out of nowhere! When I get like that, I have this urge to contact him. I have no idea what I think that will accomplish, but I feel like I have to try to bring him back to those memories. I want so badly for him to remember the good times and want them back. I know I can't force the issue. I just wish he knew how much I really did love him and that I never ever wanted things to turn out like this. I wish we could have stayed friends, lovers and partners in life. I wish we could have had more fun and less drama. I wish it could be as easy as talking it out, forgiving and moving on with each other to a new and better beginning.

I know I can wish for that all day long and it will never change the reality of what is happening right now. The reality is that I am alone, sad and stubborn, wanting something that isn't going to happen and He wants nothing to do with me in any capacity, he doesn't forgive as easily as I do and he would rather hate me than do the work it would take to be friends again. I am trying to move past it, because it does me no good to marinate in the pain anymore. I wish he understood that I hated who I became toward the end of our relationship and I NEVER would wish the pain I felt afterward on ANYONE. I never want to hurt like that again and I never want to do the things I did ever again. I can't even bear the thought of what I've just been through. I wish there was a magic pill I could take to just be moved on and OK. No one can fix this but me and my ex. Since he refuses to play a role in the mending of our past and the creation of a better future where we could know each other and actually LIKE each other again. I know I have to just go it alone. I am terrified and lost. In the meantime, I know I will have more days where I will cry and miss him and maybe even try to reach out to him again. I am not going to pretend that I won't look pathetic and stubborn at times. I know I have and will continue to sometimes. But, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I have no shame and I will not give up on someone I can't go a day without thinking about. Some people may think that makes me crazy, but I think it makes me human.


  1. You are going to miss him at times but there will come a day (soon I hope) where you can look at all of this objectively and realize that you don't need him in your life in any capacity. Life is too precious to hang on to people who drag you down. You will find something or someone better to distract you.

  2. You're so right. I know I can't keep hanging on to someone who let me go a long time ago. I will never understand it, but maybe I'm not meant to. Some things in life are just there for the lesson. I'm learning it the hard way, as usual. Time to move on.