Memorial Day Weekend was so relaxing!! It felt more like August rather than May!! I actually bought a friggin' bathing suit for the first time in my adult life! In the past, I usually tended to cover up in public during summer, but I am rapidly taking a "fuck that!" attitude and showing off my assets a little more. I am ready to have fun and care a lot less about what people think of me. When I let loose a little bit this weekend, I ended up having a great time. Swimming, soaking in the sun, taking long walks and of course, cruising in the corvette convertible!! Gotta love them Cranberry Limeades and pretending we were at the lake. I hope the rest of the summer goes like this and gets even better. I actually felt like I was 10 years younger and I liked it!!
I tried very hard to distract myself this weekend, because there were some low points as well. I think things will get better when I finally move out of this townhouse. I am freaking out a little because I still don't have a new place lined up and I leave in less than a month! I hope to nail something down this week. I am going to look at a place tomorrow after work. So, let's hope it's a keeper! I need to get out of here if I am ever going to stop feeling so sad and missing my Ex.
I thought I was doing OK with moving on with my life, but I had a set back again this weekend. On Saturday morning, I woke up and opened the window to let the morning sun in. I was laying in bed, thinking and enjoying the morning, when all of a sudden, I could almost feel the presence of my Ex. I could remember what it was like to have him home with me, sleeping next to me, waking up with me, talking, planning our day, etc. I just felt this rush of overwhelming nostalgia followed by overwhelming sadness. I began to cry..out of nowhere! When I get like that, I have this urge to contact him. I have no idea what I think that will accomplish, but I feel like I have to try to bring him back to those memories. I want so badly for him to remember the good times and want them back. I know I can't force the issue. I just wish he knew how much I really did love him and that I never ever wanted things to turn out like this. I wish we could have stayed friends, lovers and partners in life. I wish we could have had more fun and less drama. I wish it could be as easy as talking it out, forgiving and moving on with each other to a new and better beginning.
I know I can wish for that all day long and it will never change the reality of what is happening right now. The reality is that I am alone, sad and stubborn, wanting something that isn't going to happen and He wants nothing to do with me in any capacity, he doesn't forgive as easily as I do and he would rather hate me than do the work it would take to be friends again. I am trying to move past it, because it does me no good to marinate in the pain anymore. I wish he understood that I hated who I became toward the end of our relationship and I NEVER would wish the pain I felt afterward on ANYONE. I never want to hurt like that again and I never want to do the things I did ever again. I can't even bear the thought of what I've just been through. I wish there was a magic pill I could take to just be moved on and OK. No one can fix this but me and my ex. Since he refuses to play a role in the mending of our past and the creation of a better future where we could know each other and actually LIKE each other again. I know I have to just go it alone. I am terrified and lost. In the meantime, I know I will have more days where I will cry and miss him and maybe even try to reach out to him again. I am not going to pretend that I won't look pathetic and stubborn at times. I know I have and will continue to sometimes. But, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I have no shame and I will not give up on someone I can't go a day without thinking about. Some people may think that makes me crazy, but I think it makes me human.