Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Praying for an Answer...

I have said many prayers over the last few months that I would gain some peace from all the horrible pain I've been feeling, emotionally. I have never been steeped in this much sadness and frustration in my whole entire life. I have felt like I was losing my sanity many times. I never thought that I could hurt this much and survive it. I have tried to gain an answer from the person who hurt me, but he is the most uncaring, compassionless, selfish person I have ever met in my entire life. So, I should have known better that I would get only MORE pain from him. So, I tried to push the pain down and move on with my life. I began dating a wonderful man and he helped me believe I was worthy of kindness and respect. He showed me that there are other people, much more accomplished and intelligent, who believe I am good company and have no problem showing me love. Unfortunately, the timing was horrible and I had to back off because I need time to heal from the trauma caused by my first love (and the biggest mistake of my life). Now, I am turning to prayer more than ever because I am so exhausted from trying to figure out what I did that was so horrible that this person, who I loved with all my heart, would turn on me in a way that is so merciless and vicious.

It's like he ENJOYS being brutal. I don't know if it makes him feel superior to treat someone with as little respect as possible. But, it comes across as schizophrenic!! He has played mind games, acted cold and then hot, cannot forgive someone to save his life, holds grudges like no one else I have ever seen and makes a point to pour salt in a wound whenever he gets a chance. That doesn't strike me as someone who is very happy in his life. How could he be? He lives with his mother, has no job (and doesn't seem to really be looking for one.) No real possessions of his own (none HE earned) and has to keep recycling friends every few years because people stop wanting to hang around him. It's really sad to witness. I defended him for years because I saw underneath his "show man": persona was a lost, defeated human being. It's no wonder he has to build himself up by crushing other people every chance he gets. As long as you are kissing his ass, doing the things he enjoys with him and never interjecting an ounce of yourself into a relationship with him, you'll be in his good graces. Step on his toes, even for a second and it's FUCK YOU. He has the emotional intellect of a 12 year old. He cannot grasp the maturity it takes to really love someone. When you're in love, there will be fights, there will be rough patches, but the difference between loving someone and not is that when the going gets tough, the tough stays put. You work it out and when there's LOVE, things can ALWAYS be worked out. He just bails...tail between his legs...Holier-than-thou attitude in tact.

This is what I've known for a long time, but I wanted to believe something different. I wanted to believe he was a different person. I can't understand that kind of disconnect. A heartless way of going through life. It's a mental defect when someone who has nothing, is nothing and never will be anything acts like he is a king and those who piss him off are just mere pee-ons in his world. It's sad really because that's all he really has. He isn't a productive member of society or an up-standing guy. He's just an ass who taught himself how to play guitar and sing. You can't skate by on that forever. I know he knows who and what he is and he HATES himself. I would to if I were him. But, I would also try very very hard to be different, make better decisions and treat people as I would like to be treated. I would stop being so damn high and mighty and humble myself. I would work hard for my kids so they have a better role model and I would be gracious for anyone who would be willing to love me instead of judge me...since there is A LOT that could be judged.

Anyway, I have been beating myself up all along and I realize here and now that I am better than this. I am a productive member of society, I have a kind heart and forgiveness to offer anyone who can be humble about mistkes they've made. Lord knows I have made plenty myself. I am not up on a high horse or thinking I am better than anyone else. I just want to live my life in peace and find joy in the little things in life. I have amazing people in my life who remind me everyday that I am good all by myself. I don't need someone to define me as a bitch or a saint. I am ME and that's all I can be.


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