Tuesday, May 18, 2010
"Too Young to Hold On...Too Old to Just Break Free and Run" - Jeff Buckley
I’m having quite a low day. Since I left work, I haven’t been able to stop crying for very long. The search for a new home is starting to get pretty discouraging. I am being forced to face the fact that I am single again and have to go it alone. I’ve been on this road before, so it isn’t totally foreign, but I am a different person than I was 3 years ago and so I am looking at it through different eyes. I feel like in the last 3 years, I had a family. My little family where there was love and a home for all of us to be together in. I felt comfortable and happy (for the most part). I had hope that the person I could love forever had finally arrived and we were going to get married, buy a house and have all the things we would tell each other we wanted. I really believed in that and felt that if we both tried hard enough, we would get there. I guess I held on too tightly to a dream that was never actually going to come true. Now, my little family is going on without me. The reality of that is hitting me square in the face today.
I, obviously, have known my relationship was over for a while now, but I was in denial that it was over FOREVER. I was hoping and praying that we could be together again when we both did some growing and figuring things out. Instead, we have gotten increasingly more hostile with each other. I feel like the man I fell in love with has died and been replaced by a stranger who hates me and wants nothing to do with me ever again. I could see why He would be upset at me for certain things I’ve said and done out of hurt and desperation in these last few months. But, to make everything so final…seems like such a waste of the connection we built and all we had been through. I know now I am totally alone in that thought. It seems that my feelings were 100 times more intense than his. I will always care, where as he stopped caring a long time ago. Today, I miss the man I fell in love with. I miss laying in bed with him, with the black light on, listening to Jose Gonzalez until we fell asleep. I would give anything to have that back.
I think I am reflecting on the past today because very soon I have to move away from the very last connection I have to my little family. Once I am out of this townhouse, there will be nothing left to hang on to. I will go on with my life and eventually meet someone else who I can share the bed and music and life with. Hopefully, someone who will make me forget how in love I used to be with someone else. I know I need to look toward the future for my sanity’s sake and if I ever want that chance to be happy with someone else. I just wish the letting go wasn’t so painful.
I am realizing that being single is scary in 2010. Everything is way too expensive! Every apartment I am running into is either over-priced or a shit hole in a horrible location. I feel like I am breaking down today because I am losing everything. My little family AND my home. I am so scared that I will end up in a closet next to drug dealers and crack heads at this rate!! I am 32...I’m ready to own a house, with a man who adores me, loving life, playing music and traveling the world. I don’t want to START OVER by myself. UGH!! I am so tired. :(