Wednesday, June 30, 2010

"Break on Through to the Other Side" -The Doors

After weeks of hard work, I am finally moved into my new place!! I feel like I have my new start and I am looking forward to what life will bring me. Of course, there is an adjustment period. I feel like I am house-sitting right now. It feels weird to wake up in a totally new place, in a totally new neighborhood. It will take me awhile to feel comfortable and like I am "home". But, overall I am thrilled with where I'm at. Good times are coming!

 It's been a long, hard road out of this relationship, but I finally feel like I am moving on. I have to for my own sanity since my Ex blames me for things that were never my fault. I realize now that I am NEVER responsible for another person's happiness, just as no one is responsible for mine. The second I allow someone else to make or break my happiness, is the second I surrender completely to their whims. I want someone who knows what they want and is happy with themselves first and foremost. That way they aren't always looking to me to boost them up and create their healthy self esteem. I am guilty of doing the same thing in past relationships. It's nice to have someone care about you and tell you what you want to hear, that comes with loving someone. But, It isn't right to put your entire self esteem on someone else. Your actions create a reaction, you have to have a thick skin in life and find a way to be OK with whatever comes. It's nice to share your life with someone, but they can't make you 100% completely happy all the time. That is way too much pressure and totally unfair to the person you love. You just end up making them resent you in the end. I am finding my own way to be happy and in charge of my own self esteem. I welcome with open arms those who love and accept me as I am...flaws and all.

As I reflect back on mistakes made and my overall impression of my first real love, I can say that I did my best with what I was given. I could never fix a broken man, as hard as I tried. I am thankful for the experience of loving him and his children. I never thought I could open myself up to someone and feel so comfortable as I did with him. I can honestly say that I never loved a man as much as I loved him and I can chase that feeling forever. I made mistakes, I tried to learn new things and I tried to keep an open mind. I made excuses when I should have asked questions and I surrendered more of myself than was given back to me. But, in the end I always had hope that things would get better, our love would get stronger and I would have the man I knew he could be. I tried to love him as he was, but in order for US to work, he needed to focus on US. It never happened. I was ready for a LIFE together, he seemed to be always with one foot out the door, never giving me any reassurance or providing a stable living environment. That is a problem I could never fix and I now know that I was never going to make him happy, even if I totally gave up everything about myself to please him. Our lives just weren't on the same page and love alone was not enough to sustain the uphill battle. We just ended up being disrespectful and unkind to each other in the end. Not at all how I wanted things to go. Live and learn.

I do hope that someday, there can be a truce and we can at least communicate with each other again as friends. Despite everything that happened, I will always have love for him. I will always want to know about his life and the lives of his children. I still care and always will. We screwed up our relationship, but we DID share a life together that wasn't always horrible. We had some really wonderful and happy times as well. I want to remember those and maybe create some more in the future with him. But, healing and time will have to take place before there is any possibility of that. He has "given up on me" for now. It's his choice and I can't do anything about it. I will just go on and live the best life I can. I will never forget his love, as brief as it was, it meant the world to me. Too bad he doesn't feel the same. It just goes to show that he never wanted real love in the first place. His loss... I always had a lot of it to give...and still do. :)

No comments:

Post a Comment