Friday, August 20, 2010

"I was always angry, which only made me believe his accusations more. He would call me "psycho" and I was always to blame for everything. His constant with-holding and silent treatment sometimes sent me into a rage and he would once again call me the psycho. I later learned this was his way of silently controlling me."

The above quote is from a woman who was in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship. I know her pain all too well. This quote describes one of the many ways in which I was manipulated in mine.

Just in the last 24 hours I have finally faced the truth about the last long-term relationship I was in. It's something I have been making excuses for all along and haven't been able to admit until now. I have prayed for an answer for quite some time now because I did not understand why I was still trying to get the approval of my Ex. I would email him and text him, try to look for reasons to make contact, try to get him to see that I wasn't this horrible person he kept trying to tell me I was, slide around his games and baiting words in order to reach him. I felt like the most pathetic person in the world, but for some reason I couldn't stop. The entire time, he was being absolutely cruel and horrible to me, but I kept coming back for more. I believed his lies, I made more excuses and I lived in a total state of denial. I pushed way too hard and got accused of things that I find completely demeaning and false because of it. I was reduced down to a depressed,  desperate, confused mess. I don't even recognize myself anymore.

But, a saving grace occurred the other day and it has finally snapped me out of my painful limbo. I finally can define what has been happening in the last 4 years. All the lies, betrayal, disapproval, back and forth, silent treatments, abandonment, projection, cruel words and empty threats all have a definition now and I can finally get some help to deal with it...on my own and away from my abuser. I have been in an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. It's hard for me to admit, because I have my own blame in it, but I know now that it is what it is. There is no sugar coating it anymore. There is no making excuses for my Ex or for myself. I have been beaten down so much and because I have such a need for approval, I believed I must belong down on the ground, crying and hurting, so He can feel better about himself. There I was, basically told I am a horrible bitch of a person, not understanding what I did that was so wrong, but trying desperately to make things OK so he would love me again. It makes me so sad to know I became that person and he just watched me do it.

All I wanted was some adult communication, chocked full of respect and kindness. The way he left was so traumatic for me, that I needed some real closure. I wanted him to show me that, although he needed to leave for him, he wasn't leaving out of spite or animosity toward me. I needed some kindness and sensitivity in a horrible situation. But, instead I was met with more  of his mind fuckery and abuse. I was made to feel like I should be ashamed of my feelings for him and that I was pathetic for not being able to suddenly be "over it" and moved on when he wanted me to. Worst of all, He made me feel like I was crazy for giving a shit. He made me feel like I was a plague upon his life (and his children's lives).  Still, to this day, I don't know what I have done (beyond a normal human reaction) that would warrant the horrible things he has said and done to me in the last 4 years of my life.

This is painful for me to post, but I know I need to leave it here. I need to now figure out why I would  be with someone, as mentally ill as he is, in the first place. I have a lot of work that I need to do on myself, without any contact with him for the rest of my life. All I can do is take one day at a time, love myself and do whatever I can to convince myself that I do not deserve abuse of any kind. I have to rebuild my life and it starts now.

I thank God for my amazing friends, my caring family and a wonderful man God brought into my life, who continues to heal me with his patience, understanding and kind words. I know I can't be totally dependent on another person's opinion of me....but the people in my life, right now, make me feel pretty damn special. I have a wonderful foundation to start fresh and cast off the shackles of bad love.

No comments:

Post a Comment