Lately, I've been trying to gain wisdom and answers from myself and people/things around me. I have been listening to Eat, Pray, Love on Audio CD after watching the movie on Saturday. Even though I think Elizabeth Gilbert protests a little too much about her fairly privileged life, her book is amazing and speaks to the crossroads I am facing in my life right now. There have been many times that I felt as if her words were written by me!! Especially her philosophies on God and praying...and of course...relationships.
I feel how she does, that I disappear into the men I am with. I put all my focus on their needs, their desires, their happiness and I completely vanish. I'm always aware I do this, so every once in awhile, I will try to assert my independence and refuse to do what I would normally do. I start asking the man I'm with "why don't you do this more? Why don't you do that more? Pamper me more? Pay attention to me more?" because I realize that I have never required that and so I allow the man I'm with to get comfortable with letting me do all the work. It bugs the shit out of me! I am terrified to jump into a serious relationship with someone again because I haven't figured out how to keep some of myself, while loving the man I'm with.
I am such a work in progress and will be until I die, but I want to do better. I have that desire to BE better. I want to make someone happy. But, more importantly, I want to make ME happy. I feel extremely lost right now. I have no idea what will make me feel content. All I know is what DOES'NT make me happy and I am trying to change that. I feel like I am just searching for a life raft and I am having a hard time letting go of the past. I want to be happy and yet I keep thinking about all the things that bring me down. I am feeling like I failed in certain aspects of my life and yet have no clue how to succeed in others. It's enough to make me lose my mind if I let it!
I just know that I have certain "Happiness Killers" as I like to call them, that I need to change in my life. I need a new job and a way to manage stress better. I need to keep finding good solid relationships in my life that allow me to just BE ME and I don't feel pressure to perform for someone else. At least I feel like progress is happening now. I DO have good relationships, I am looking for a new job and I am slowly changing for the better. I will continue to search for that holy grail of happiness everyday and hope that I can reconcile with my past enough to not care about it anymore.