Now that the past is the past and I have the vast future ahead of me, I can honestly say I am a massive ball of confusion here in the present. I am realizing that there really hasn't been a whole lot of time in my life where I wasn't confused. I keep thinking about all the different ways in which my life can take shape. I am a dreamer, by nature, so I let my imagination run wild with all these ideas and fantasies about career, marriage, babies, adventure and travel. But, in reality, there is only a small margin of my fantasies that will actually happen due to circumstance or fear. I really want to make every effort to NOT plan out my life and let it just happen. I am trying to find a little bit of joy in every day, little moments and happenstance.
I know I can't push myself to feel what I don't feel or do what I don't want to do. I can only let time do it's job and see what the outcome will be. There are things that I want right now that I can't make happen. I want to control it and push it in a direction for the better. But, life doesn't work that way and I know I have to kind of "let go and let God" so to speak. That's hard for me to do. But, whatever...I have to do it. I feel like something is trying to tell me to just go with the flow and whatever is meant to come to me, will.
Life will be amazing again when I can finally leap with no fear. Until then, there are a lot of unanswered questions looming over my life.
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