Sunday, August 29, 2010

"She's been everyone else's girl. Maybe one day she'll be her own." - Tori Amos

Been doing a lot of reflecting on my life as it stands and how I came to be in this state. It's so hard to put into words how I feel on a daily basis. I am definitely depressed, but still I feel like I am on the verge of something better. I keep waiting for the day when I feel totally confident and comfortable in my own skin. I used to be tough and able to handle a lot more. I don't even know what that feels like anymore.

If I am going to be completely honest, I have to say that I feel very beaten down. I feel like I need to go quiet for a while and rebuild my self esteem. I can't even tolerate the slightest joke at my expense, little jab or someone telling me anything I did wrong, should be doing according to them or deception of any kind. I don't trust that people care about me and will come through for me if I need them. I feel like a burden and/or an annoyance most of the time. I pretty much feel like I can do no right at all. My perception is distorted and I seem to take everything the wrong way. It's almost like I don't even want anyone to touch me or talk to me because I feel like I could just break right in front of them. I am beyond fragile.

That being said, I want so badly to get myself up out of this feeling. I am tired of crying at night when no one is around, I'm tired of thinking and stressing and worrying about every little thing that I can either deal with and forget about or that is entirely OUT OF MY HANDS. I'm not sure if therapy will help and I don't have the money for a shrink at this point. So, I am going to try the tools that have helped me in the past. I know I need to be selfish right now. I have to find the love I used to have for myself. The happy, healthy person I was for a time in my life. I know she's in there somewhere, buried by someone else's daggers and bullshit. I don't want to be a victim or someone who wallows forever. I want to rise above this, so i can live a full life w/o giving a shit what other people think of me.

To my loved ones who read this. I just need time. I'll be OK. Just please be careful with me for now. I know you will never fully understand the way my mind works and it bothers you to see me hurting. Lord knows You've been watching me in this state for far too long. But, if I have positive love and support around me, I know I will heal faster. I have a heart injury right now, but with proper care, it will get better in time.

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