The Eternal Internal Match...

As I have been preparing for another major (perhaps the majoryist..I made that up) event in my life, I am finding that alot of my old "stuff" is coming up. I am trying to mentally deal with alot of the hurt that has been infilicted upon me in my past and try not to let new hurt affect me in that same old way.

It's no secret that I can be a very sensitive person. It took a lot of disregard, indifference and selfish actions to make me that way. People who I trusted, people who I let my guard down with. The closest people in my life (my mom, my sister, very dear friends.) In my teen years, there was alot of traumatizing events that kept pelting me over and over. When one would get smoothed out a little, here would come another one. I spent the majority of my younger life feeling beaten and defeated, shy and scared and with an over whelming sense that I was buried deep underneath everyone else's shit. No one saw me. I was the one who tried so hard to do everything the "right" way when everyone else was doing things "their" way in my family. I finished school, I went to college on a scholarship, I never did drugs or had sex, etc etc etc and none of it seemed to matter (or really get noticed) by my immediate family. I didn't have the support other teens might get. I didn't have any guidance on how to succeed in life. I had to figure it out on my own, all with a sense of being completely alone.

That's when I learned to put my guard up. I took on this attitude of "People are selfish and no one gives a crap about what I feel, so I will just do everything myself." I didn't need anyone on the outside, but on the inside I wanted to be a person other's considered. I wanted to be a person that popped into someone's head when I wasn't around and they called me up. I wanted to know I was cared for with no ulterior motive, just because I was a nice person who cared back. I have carried this "damage" with me into other relationships in life. I feel like I am two different people in friendships. I am the one who gravitates to friends who depend on me to make their lives enjoyable. People who want me to always come to them. I try to oblige, I follow along with their agenda because I am not brave enough to say No. I don't feel comfortable always being the one to say "Hey, I think this is a one-sided friendship. Why don't you ever come into my world? Why am I always coming into yours? Why am I never worth the effort it may take?" I feel like I am in alot of relationships with the people in my world where if I didn't do a song and dance to get noticed, I simply wouldn't. I hate having to wave my arms or get "hurt feelings" in order for people to take notice of their indifference toward me.

This has been my pattern in life. I find myself discontent with relationships alot. Partly because I am needy.  I can never assume people give a shit about me unless I can see it happening. I have no trust in the idea that maybe they do care, but they don't show it in a way that appeases me. I find myself comparing how I am treated to the way they treat others. If I have a friend, who leaps to the defense of another friend, who they feel is being treated badly, for example, I get my feelings hurt when I realize they have never lept to my defense like that. Then, I wonder why...then I feel like shit. It's a constant cycle of never feeling good enough and then I just go back into my "guarded" self where my attitude becomes "Fuck You." I feel like I am much to much inside my own head. I have a void that I have been trying to fill since I was a teenager and everything feels a bit like "Me, Me, Me." It makes me loathe myself at times. But, there is a part of me that feels like I am worthy of some consideration.

Anway, the point of this blog today is to express that things are changing for me. I am planning my wedding and I am having huge trust issues. I feel that this is a rare time for the people in my life to come together for ME and I am scared to death that someone will drop the ball. I don't ask people to do much for me and I think they've gotten used to that. I worry that, once again, unless I'm doing my ol' tap dance and waving my arms, no one will put forth the effort to make our wedding day easy and special...because We deserve it and because they can put their needs aside for a moment. Now, I admit, this could be all in my head and not true at all...but it's a fear based on past experience and the repeated disappointment I've endured by the very people who are in my life. I just feel like I am holding my hand over that stove again...waiting to see if I get burned.

The old patterns are getting very dusty. I am taking a stand for my own well-being. I am trying to give myself what I keep desperately trying to find in other people. Compassion, Consideration and A Break! I can't win everyone's approval. I can't cater to others and expect a big return. I am tired of making waves everytime I express my feelings or needs. I just need to be me and those who really want to know me, be in my life and have a healthy relationship with me, will be there. I am tired of being a people pleaser. I am tired of feeling like I have to appease to keep people in my life. I am trying very hard to hang up my tap shoes and just be me. I'm sure in the process, I will see people drift out of my life. But, this time...I am willing to let them go.